8/17/26It's hard to believe it's been nearly five years of deconstructing my life after realizing I was part of a religion that asked me to betray my core values and worth as a person. Added to that, the three years since ending my 30 year relationship have been fraught with so many emotional and mental swings!!
I'm barely unpacking all of the ques, learned behaviors and trauma I experienced, never-mind taking responsibility for my part in what happened. 
I know it seems like there's a lot of talk out there on these topics and I'm glad there is. It means we're not hiding. It's embarrassing to expose weakness. It's mortifying to realize you thought you were providing comfort and stability for your children, when you were really feeding their narcissistic father and a religion that makes you doubt you know what's best for your own mental, spiritual, and emotional health.
If you're reading this and struggling with blame or self-loathing, you're not alone. I hope you have someone to talk to that can provide comfort for you. It's frightening how small your world becomes without any fan fare, or bribery, or threats, people just disappear. They're the righteous and you're not. I know I have a lot of cognitive distortions to unpack and restructure, but catastrophizing the effects of losing my extended family and my faith were nothing compared to the real thing.

That's when we have to stop ourselves, stop those tape that our partner and that religious manipulation told us about ourselves. That's when we have to separate ourselves - yet again - from the blame, the gaslighting, being the scapegoat. We separate ourselves and practice self-love and care we wish we had received. It's sound trite, but it isn't. Give yourself the compassion you wish you had received. 'Cus in my experience no one else will and you have to be okay with that.

Treat yourself the way you wish you'd been treated and treat your children that way now. And when doubt tries to creep in, say, "You're not welcome here."  "You're not invited." If the moment suits you break out some Alanis Morrissette uninvited.

As we rise from the ashes of all this death and destruction reassuring your children they don't need to feel obligated to you, becomes revolutionary. No flag pole raised. No measuring value. None of it. This fundamental principle was the foundation of my religious upbringing, and how I was raised as a bit of "puritanical New Englander," if I may be so bold to call myself, and what I thought God required of faithful women. This is unfortunately the breeding ground for these patriarchs you want nothing else but to use their interpretation of God's teachings as their staff of judgment. 

The messaging was everywhere to my own detriment and now the idea of moving forward with my life and myself as a focus is still the biggest struggle of my life. Learning to trust myself has been the biggest hurdle. Making lots of missteps along the way hasn't helped. But I own them. They were mine. Now I get to build what I want out of my life.