I've Lied to myself my entire life:

I'm here thinking about the proposition of approaching my ex and requesting alimony. All this because I allowed him to talk me out of using a lawyer during out divorce, so there's no litigation clause for maintenance or division of property.

What an idiot.

Why?

Why didn't I fight and just show up for Jacob's birthday?

Why didn't I just show up for Christmas. They were in my house and they were my children.

How did I not see myself as weak?

Why did I ever think I was strong?

I've lied to myself my entire life.

I knew I was strong.

I knew I had God on my side, that I was living the life I was supposed to live.

But none of that was true.

I believed I was following God's plan for me.

And I believed I was living a life that I was supposed to, if I wanted to received God's blessings and live eternally with my family.

How long is it going to take for me to deconstruct my life?

Is there a manual for this shit?

Every week I'm having to strip off another layer of consciousness. Soon, I'm not sure what is going to be left.

After I realizing I'm not who I thought I was, knowing for over four years that my religious beliefs were based on lies and brainwashing, how long will it take me to discover who I am.

I'm too old to discover something fundamental like that. That's what 20's are for and by the way I did that then.

This is Bullshit!!

I don't care or want to know any of that now! Now I have to build my fortune, build my identity, my own security, my own legacy from the ashes.

That changes daily.

I want to be the kind of person that is driven and focused on their goal and vision for the future.

...

TRUePOWR is a place of information.

I need to be okay with not having all the answers.

I think one thing that I've consistently found peace with is setting intention.

I just don't know how to do that when I'm hit with a wall of disappointment.